Context: A typical weekend night with Ru, after an event-filled, chaotic and napless Sunday.

Me: Ru, you did not sleep in the afternoon. Now please, just sleep! I am feeling worried about you! (But, as usual, sleep did not come easy to him. After some more wriggling around in bed, he tried his standard trick on me. It is the one where he asks for something, typically his water bottle, at least a couple of times before settling down)

Ru: Mumma, I want some water.

Me: Ru, ok but pakka promise you will sleep after drinking water? Ekdum pakka pakka promise?

Ru: (a long stretched one!) Yeeeeeeees!

(I gave him a bottle of water, he drank a few sips, and then continued squirming under the blanket, trying to snuggle me)

Me: (exhaustedly) Ru, please sleep. I am extremely tired, and I have to wake up very early for work in the morning.

Ru: Mumma muss arbeiten. bye bye mama, bye bye papa, bye bye ruaan (continues shuffling from side to side).

Me: Ru, we are not going anywhere now. Please sleep (very stern this time). It is good night time. Time to sleep!

Ru: (in that soft, melt-your-heart tone he uses) Mumma… are you feeling angry?

(He has started asking me this a lot lately. And every time he does, I go straight into self-reflection. Do I sound angry all the time when I speak to him? Am I being too harsh? Urghh….I don’t want to scare him. But I do feel frustrated and exhausted sometimes. Should I pretend I am not upset, just so he does not feel overwhelmed or afraid each time? Or should I be honest? But then how do you strike that balance, show him how you actually feel and yet be gentle and polite ? I am still figuring it out. I tried my best to say softly and calmly to him)

Me: No, Ru. I am not angry, I am happy but worried because you are still awake and it is way past bedtime.

Ru: (as if he has got it all!) Ah haaaaaa! Mumma is happy and worried (clapping his hands)! Happy and worried! Happy and worried!

Me: (laughing!) Yes, I am happy and worried.

(He finally settles, and within a couple of minutes, he is fast asleep!)

As always, my sleep has taken a backseat for a moment because this wise little boy has a way of grounding me each day….of holding up a mirror. Because he was absolutely right. With him, my default state is a mix of happiness and worry. Always both, intertwined and in equal amounts. And maybe that is the most honest version of any parent…of parenthood…happy enough to laugh at ourselves, happy enough to laugh with our children, yet perpetually worried enough to truly care. And raising a child, I am learning, often begins with realising this eternal duality and softening our own sharp edges even when we are completely worn out.